Careless? Wishes

So last Thursday, I was sitting and talking to my therapist about how I've been a total stress ball, avoiding doing important things because I didn't feel like I could move forward with any plans until I heard whether I got my dream job in Napa (editing a book by a documentary photographer I highly admire...the connection alone would be worth doing it for free). It's the perfect job except for two things: it's only for a couple of months and it's minimum wage. The plan would be that if I got the job, then I would move out within a couple weeks, put stuff in storage, move to Napa and then keep right on north 'til I got to Portland in mid-November. But if I didn't get the job, I could spend some time trying to get healthy and being with my friends. I could file unemployment because my two-hour-a-day job search is making me into a crazy person, a crazy person way too poor to be shopping, but way too stressed to put up much fight against temptation. Anyway, what I said was, you know, I almost wish I wouldn't get the job, so I could just spend some time trying to get myself under control. Because moving right now, for about the 6th time in two years, would not be good for either my mental or my physical health. And as much as I want to escape Santa Cruz, there are many people here I'm not excited to leave and not nearly as many in PDX. And it seemed silly to be going to this big Freelance Camp thing and making connections here in the Bay if I wasn't going to see a few of them through.

So now I've heard back and honestly, when I got the email last night, I didn't feel even a hint of disappointment. I spent the weekend networking, putting up a profile on elance.com, finally relenting and joining linkedin, and hanging out with friends. And did I mention that there was schwag and 65-degree weather during freelance camp? Even when it was overcast and I was almost shivering...man, what a relief compared to Austin.

Anyway, everything has been on hold. I couldn't tell my landlord I definitely wanted to extend my lease until I knew about the job in Napa. It didn't make sense to apply for unemployment until I knew whether I would still be in California in a month or two. And selling my car? Also far easier if I'm not having to move things around. So I'm hoping that everything I had to hold off on has kept. I'll call my landlord tomorrow and not give up my $700-a-month apartment in the Beach Flats. And my birthday, just a few days away? Hopefully I can have some tasty drinks and start getting rid of this damned spasm in my neck. I feel good, less panicked, more prepared to find some form of employment, without worrying about whether I'm just gonna leave in a couple weeks and leave anyone in a lurch. Now I can do important things like get back to de-fleaing my cat and working on my "songs of hope" mix. Because I've really been needing some hope, and for some reason, getting turned down for a job seemed to do the trick. Here's a little hope for you. You may not think of it as a particularly hopeful song, but for me, on the tail-end of a trying breakup, it's one of the most hopeful things I've heard.