All the Blinds Are Fantasies

Here I am at 29, and I feel like the only natural state for me is a broken heart. I'm not sure that I know how to have anything else. I realize how melodramatic that sounds, but for me a broken heart doesn't necessarily mean I'm home bawling into a pint of ice cream. It's more a tinge of raw that I feel around my edges while I go about my life. This last relationship has really forced me to look at my patterns a bit more deliberately than usual, and this is what I've come up with. I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship, nor do I know what they look like. I have vague notions of mutual support and respect, but frankly it's like the Abominable Snowman or Loch Ness Monster. Every now and then I come upon some suspect tracks, and I have friends who claim to have sighted it, but I've certainly never seen one up close and have no reason to think I ever will.

The other mythical creature I can't seem to find is a stable, low-key guy. My desired traits in a partner seem to both grow and shrink with every relationship. Here's my list as of December 9, 2009:
  1. sense of humor, preferably with a dose of sarcasm—if you take things too seriously, we're not going to last very long.
  2. passion—I've got to be with someone who is passionate about something, which ties into the next one.
  3. ambition—it used to be enough for me to be with someone who had potential and wanted more, but I've finally realized that it's really important to me that there be some kind of active work to accomplish/attain whatever it is the person feels is important.
  4. no contentment or resignation with the status quo—if you think things can't get better or shouldn't change, i can't abide.
  5. intelligence—does this go without saying? i don't think so. the last two relationships i was in were with very intelligent men. it's an absolute necessity. it staves off boredom.
  6. love of music—musical abilities definitely a bonus. music is too important to me and my life to be in a relationship with anyone who's wishy-washy about it.
  7. honesty most of the time—until Tyson i would have said all the time. i think you have to be honest about the big things. but the small things? whether i look good in a boatneck top? SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
  8. very good anger control—this ties into my alcoholic father. but i have to have a guy who can remain cool-headed when i am not and who will not yell and rage. i'm fine with the occasional fury flurry, as long as it is not directed at me.
  9. faith—i simply can't be with someone who doesn't think i am amazing and capable of amazing things. who thinks things can't get better. who thinks he can't be better. everyone can be better. not believing in other people tears them down and makes for a sad, sad life. this also ties into the idea of mutual support. the ultimate way you can support someone is believing in them and helping in whatever way you can to bring what's important to them within reach. when you no longer want to help the other person, i think the jig is up.
Next time I start a relationship, I hope to be a little more observant about some of these. And maybe if I look carefully enough, I'll even find that Loch Ness Monster.