What You Fall Back On
Last Tuesday, I told my boss that I was having doubts about working the new schedule they had arranged for me. I've gotten to the point where I'm basically only eating lunch, I don't exercise, I have trouble sleeping, and by the time I get home from work at 7:30, I feel I have no time for myself before I have to get up and do it all again. On Thursday, she told me that I had the night to decide if I wanted to work this split schedule (M-Th 9:30-7 and Sa 9-5:30) or only work part-time. Despite really needing the money, the hours are killing me. So on Friday, I said no.
I read people's blogs who are striking out on their own to start businesses or freelance or travel, and what I think to myself is "I wish I had the energy to do that." And at the moment, I don't have the answers to my energy problem. The chronic fatigue feels very present, and I often feel wistful about the summer, when I had time to do yoga, eat meals, see friends, and sleep. Right now, I feel unemployed, but without the time to seek anything else out. I see so many options and paths, so many people with really good ideas about how to go about forging your own way.
I just watched Lemonade and am left with this question of what I fall back on when everything else fails me. And as much as I love photography, I have to say: I fall back on writing. It is an immense comfort to me. When I finished up my grad school program, and my relationship was in shambles, writing is what made me feel human again, what gave me strength. And that makes me feel like even if I can barely pay my bills for the next six months, hopefully after that, when I'm in school writing and teaching again, my path will be the right one. For me.
p.s. I also want to take this space to apologize to any of you reading this with whom I haven't talked recently or to whom I owe emails, packages, photos, or the like. I am hoping that cutting back on my away-from-home time will help enable me to leave my house again and fulfill my commitments, even if that commitment is just being a good friend. Chris Guillebeau calls this "radical exclusion." I've always thought of it as "the thing that makes other people think I'm just antisocial."
I read people's blogs who are striking out on their own to start businesses or freelance or travel, and what I think to myself is "I wish I had the energy to do that." And at the moment, I don't have the answers to my energy problem. The chronic fatigue feels very present, and I often feel wistful about the summer, when I had time to do yoga, eat meals, see friends, and sleep. Right now, I feel unemployed, but without the time to seek anything else out. I see so many options and paths, so many people with really good ideas about how to go about forging your own way.
I just watched Lemonade and am left with this question of what I fall back on when everything else fails me. And as much as I love photography, I have to say: I fall back on writing. It is an immense comfort to me. When I finished up my grad school program, and my relationship was in shambles, writing is what made me feel human again, what gave me strength. And that makes me feel like even if I can barely pay my bills for the next six months, hopefully after that, when I'm in school writing and teaching again, my path will be the right one. For me.
p.s. I also want to take this space to apologize to any of you reading this with whom I haven't talked recently or to whom I owe emails, packages, photos, or the like. I am hoping that cutting back on my away-from-home time will help enable me to leave my house again and fulfill my commitments, even if that commitment is just being a good friend. Chris Guillebeau calls this "radical exclusion." I've always thought of it as "the thing that makes other people think I'm just antisocial."