Looking In

Ever since I read this post a couple of months ago by Gwen Bell, I've been thinking more and more about what it is that I want to do next. As I was recounting my MFA status to my friend Katie the other day, she asked me "Is this really what you want to do?" And I paused and I thought about it for a moment before saying yes. Because there are times when I go, wait, why am I doing this? How can I be applying for a program which I had a big epiphany about not wanting to do 5 years ago? I was listening to the song "Makeover" by Shearwater the other day and it has a line that says: "You're like a convert who goes back to work when he can't retrieve how the clarity actually felt...in three weeks his new leaf has blown away and it feels just like an average day." There are times when I wonder, is that what this is? An epiphany that I'm eventually going to feel was false? But ultimately, I don't think I was wrong when I decided in April '05 not to go to NYU. I wasn't ready to be just a poet. And at the time, it felt like a very costly decision to feel so unsure about. There is something I've learned in the five years since then that I'm beginning to get more comfortable with. I don't have to "just" be anything. I can be a photographer, and a poet, and a teacher. I no longer feel like taking 2-3 years to focus on one of those makes me any less something else. And the ultimate goal is to find a way to combine them all anyway.

Now is as good a time as any to post my MFA update. So far, I have been accepted to University of Memphis and CU Boulder, both without funding. I have been waitlisted at Syracuse, Vanderbilt, and VCU. It is highly unlikely that I will see any movement with the waitlists at either Syracuse or Vanderbilt, since they are two of the most competitive programs in the country. I'm crossing my fingers for VCU. I never really considered what would happen if I didn't get funding. I tried really hard to apply only to programs that offered full funding. Unfortunately, the ones that I have been accepted by don't offer full funding to everyone. Which is a damn shame, since they're programs I am really excited about. Seriously, go back and look at my top choices. Both of these are in there. So now I'm in a place where I'm actually having to consider NOT going to a school which has accepted me. Which feels blasphemous. And like a supreme waste of the last six months spent stressing, filling out applications, etc.

I'm trying to resign myself to the limbo in which I find myself currently. I likely have at least six weeks to wait to figure out what comes next. Those six weeks are going to be pretty damn busy. I have my friend Lauren's bachelorette party to go to in Austin and I also have the AWP conference. When I'm there, I'll be visiting CU and hopefully sitting in on a class and meeting faculty and students. There's a memorial for Craig at the conference, and Tarfia and I are already planning on getting appropriately blitzed afterward to mark the occasion. I am extremely glad to be able to attend one of the memorials for him, since I wasn't able to make the one at Wyoming or in NYC. I will also be meeting up with my friend Sara, whom I met through the MFA blog and who also got in to CU. We're both hoping that something changes that will provide us funding there. Cross your fingers for us. And although I certainly have more than enough on my plate right now, I've been having trouble finding the inspiration to complete tons of projects I have on my plate, or to come up with a Plan B. So this morning, I registered for Mondo Beyondo, an online five-week course that starts Monday. I really think it's important that I keep in mind the original reason I decided on doing another grad program, and that means focusing on my goals in a more concrete way. When I don't, it's too easy to push them to the back of my mind and lose my sense of purpose. I'm also planning to finally do the personal manifesto that Gwen Bell talked about in that post. I'm 29. It's high time that I actually put to paper what I'd like the next 10 years to bring.