A Woman's Right to Choose: a Single Girl's Manifesto

Let's make it clear from the outset that this is not a post about abortion, unless we're speaking figuratively, in which case, that might be apt. If I had to generalize (re: I do not think this is true across the board, but it is a pattern) and compare guys to any fictional character in history, you know who it would be? The Cowardly Lion. Ever since the age when the majority of us had been in serious relationships, within which men surely learned their own capacity to cause pain (early- to mid-20's?), I have noticed how reluctant they seem to take the first step.

Tyson knew immediately: after our first date, he almost broke it off because he knew we'd be serious. He had called me on the phone flipping out about love, relationships, meaning, responsibility, blah blah blah. I tried to calm him down and talked him into coming over to discuss things. He later told me that in that moment, there was about a 50% chance of him hanging up and never talking to me again, as much as he wanted to know me. But he did come, and still it took a few weeks for him to settle in. Though he never got over the concern that he would end up being one of my "sad poems." We were together for over a year and a half, but it took my convincing him that I accepted full responsibility for getting into a relationship with him, even if I ended up getting hurt.

The strange thing, though, is that I find guys often have the same reaction at the prospect of casual relationships. I recently met someone who was so fun, charming, hilarious, and engaging. I know that desire was mutually felt. But when given the opportunity, he pulled back and disengaged. In that moment, he hugged me twice and kissed the top of my head. The next time I saw him, there was distance. We had talked frankly before about the women whose pain he had caused, and more generally about the kinds of encounters that often occur where we met, joked about what happens when two strange bodies lie sleeping beside each other far away from home. And then, I offered him just that possibility (to crash with me), which he reluctantly declined. If I'm being truthful, I will admit that I would love to have met him under better circumstances, that he is totally the kind of person I would like to be in a relationship with. But in the given context, I would have been happy just to make out.

I don't often look at relationships in explicitly feminist terms, but in the last few days, I've come to see this pulling back as an affront to women's agency (bear with me). Men are afraid to "take advantage" and have been disproportionately implicated in the responsibility of women's emotional states. I do not believe that men hurt women any more than women hurt men; yet, it has become a societal trope that men want only one thing and that women are the miserable pawns in the male pursuit of meaningless sex. The result of that seems to be that, in the year 2010, if a man meets a woman in whom he's interested when every small factor isn't just right (and they're both relatively sober), there's a good chance that he's going to walk away.

I believe in a woman's right to choose what to do with her body, and I'm not just talking about birth control or termination of pregnancy. My first sexual relationship was founded on my agency. When I decided I was ready to lose my virginity, my boyfriend insisted we wait until I was completely sober; we stayed up all night and didn't consummate until after the sun had come up. That way we both knew it was not just the alcohol talking, and no one was taking advantage. A woman should be free to choose spooning, to choose one-night stands. To flirt, to fondle, to fornicate if all parties are willing. And if she can stand without slurring her words or stumbling in a drunken stupor, I think it is a matter of respect for a man to allow the woman to decide whether advantage is being taken or given. I, for one, am willing to get into a little trouble.