small and far between

Although that title could just as easily be a reference to my infrequent posting, I was actually thinking of my current separation from my small-house work. It's weird to become so immersed in a community of people, to really feel the importance of what they're working toward, and then to remove yourself from them. When I pulled back a year and a half ago, it was something I very much needed to do. Things had gone bad with Ty, the person responsible for my exposure to the small-house world, and it was natural to separate myself from the things I associated with him.

The result of this, of course, was that I stopped working on my project. I didn't seek out venues for publication. I was trying so hard to stay afloat financially in cali and to plan my exodus, that I let this community that meant so much to me fall by the wayside. Now I'm here in Tennessee and I really love what I'm doing. I love working on my poetry and I have support here unlike anything I've ever known. The writing community and the friends I've made within it are absolutely incredible.

But when my small-house work comes up in conversation, it's frustrating that I can't direct my friends somewhere to share this other thing that's important to me. Oftentimes I have to remind myself that I'm a photographer. And I know the cost and I know how I got here. But I wonder how to get back, or rather to get forward with both the photography and writing. Today, instead of finishing a paper I need to for class tomorrow, I spent a fair amount of time researching photo grants and looking at the amazing Literacy Through Photography program at Duke. They apparently do workshops for artists and teachers to develop curriculum and gain experience using writing and photography to teach kids to document their own lives.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO.

My friend Chris had told me recently that Duke has finally developed an MFA program in documentary work. They have one of the longest-running and most well-respected documentary programs for undergraduates in the country. When I was applying for documentary photography Master's programs in 2006, there were literally only 2 in the country. I applied for the certificate program in NYC at the International Center of Photography, but decided not to apply for Duke's. At this point, I couldn't tell you why. But I knew what I wanted most was an actual Master's. While at UCSC we (the students) discussed trying to get some kind of partnership started with Duke for a summer program or the like, but to no avail. Now they've decided to offer an MFA with emphasis on multimedia, which is exactly what I wish my program had been.

But I'm happy with where I am. Truly. My current issue is in seeing the future. I know the "lifecycle stairmaster" ahead of me if I stay on this writing path for a job: applying for residencies, gunning for adjunct or visiting writer positions, moving from semester to semester or year to year until some point, probably 10 years from now, when I might get lucky enough to land a modest position at a small, completely unknown state school. That's if I try for academia. If I could find a non-profit like the ones Duke works with, I might be able to actually throw out my anchor sooner. Find a small house to live in and do my documentary work and poetry. Because, as romantic as it is to contemplate such grandeur as Stegner fellowships and book publications and the like, I mostly just want a modest income doing work I can feel good about. Work that helps other people. Part of that work has to be outside of my day job, and part has to be within.

I have been in an MFA program for 3 months, and already I'm wondering how best to spend my time next summer to situate myself to have a job when I get out. There's a path somewhere here, a best-case scenario I'm intent on finding. All it takes is time, and a ton of research. Soon, though, I'll at least have my small-house photos up.

Field of Dreams trailer