Push

The brink. The breaking point. Toeing the line. I avoid them, physically. Eight plus years into my diagnosis with fibromyalgia and for the most part I've learned not to push. Going out three nights in a row? Will lead to seven days of exhaustion. Not getting a full night's sleep? Could incapacitate me. But sometimes I don't believe myself. Enough days will have passed of feeling relatively OK and I'll start to get frustrated with being too diligent and sensible. I'll think maybe I'm just a tired person, maybe this is all in my head. What could really happen if I work out three days in a row? And then I do it. Several days of strain, capped by one intense pilates/yoga workout because I am tired of what feels like atrophy, and I f*** it all up.

For the last week, I haven't been able to work out at all because I screwed up the cartilage in my chest. You've probably never heard of it. It's called costochondritis. It's not really more than a nuisance. My breathing is slightly constricted, my chest feels like it's being pressed on, I cough if I laugh or talk too much. And, most annoying of all, I am forced to stop doing anything remotely strenuous during the weeks it takes for the cartilage to slowly heal.

But I have to do it sometimes. NYE I danced and danced with my friends and I was basically bed-ridden for the week after. I didn't leave my apartment except to get groceries. But if I don't really screw myself up every now and then, I begin to think I'm just a tired person. I can do things that normal people do. Normal people push themselves.

I have to be reminded.

The last year or so, it seems to have gotten worse. I'm noticing new symptoms that hadn't bothered me before. Nausea. Aches that seem more like actual arthritis. Feeling like I've been run over by a truck when I get out of bed. Part of the reason I ended up messing myself up this semester is my renewed commitment to taking better care of myself (ha!). The Fall was filled with stress, eating irregularly, staying up far too late, never exercising (except to walk to class), and just in general living really inconsistently. So the last few weeks, I've been cooking, taking walks, trying to do yoga and strengthening exercises, going to sleep earlier, etc.  And I'm still convinced this is what I should be doing. Unfortunately, one of the most difficult things about FMS is finding the right balance. I'm still working on that.

Photo from CarynNL on flickr