How to Rid Yourself of Bad Friendships

There comes a time in everyone’s life when a friend must be gotten rid of. The state of the friendship at this point has usually lapsed in one of its primary tenets: the concern by both parties for each other. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy explains that friendship is a relationship “grounded in a concern on the part of each friend for the welfare of the other, for the other's sake.” Although there are most always signs that this essential tenet has been broken, often the more invested party is too caring to identify them for what they are.

• Sign One: When the balance of friendship has shifted, so too does the proportion of conversation spent discussing the details and events relevant to each person’s respective lives. The less-invested friend begins to use the more-invested friend as a sounding board through which the friend seeks to gain affirmation of his or her self-perceptions.

• Sign Two: When the more-invested friend is experiencing conflict, the other friend minimizes the importance of the conflict and does not attempt to offer aid in finding solutions or resolving the conflict.

• Sign Three: The most salient sign that an actual friendship is not extant occurs when the less-invested friend deliberately engages in actions which harm—or have the potential to harm—the other friend emotionally.

Though the first two signs are just cause for the dissolution of a friendship, it often takes experiencing the third—often on multiple occasions—to become sufficiently convinced of the inequitable nature of the so-called friendship. The first and most important step in ending this negative relationship is actually akin to becoming a recovering alcoholic: you must first accept that you have a problem.

All relationships are built on the idea of exchange. The teacher/student relationship is built on the exchange of information usually for payment and self-satisfaction. The waiter/customer relationship is built on the exchange of food and service for payment and sustenance. A friendship also contains within it the idea of exchange; two people who like and generally respect each other exchange conversation, time, and support. If any of these elements are lacking, the friendship becomes endangered.

The people who usually have the most trouble ending relationships are also the types of people who will stay in a negative relationship the longest—those who are extremely understanding and kind. Recognizing certain patterns in the way you justify the person’s friendship behavior is essential to acceptance of the problem. The following are common thoughts that occur among kinder friends while justifying the continuance of certain friendships: “It’s just that she’s going through a rough spot right now”; “I’m sure if things weren’t so bad, he’d be happier for my success”; “She just doesn’t have anyone else to talk to”; “It’s selfish of me to want to talk so much about what’s going on in my life.” If these thoughts overwhelm you with frequency after leaving or during a meeting with a friend, it is likely that the relationship is negative. The first step, then, is accepting that it is both natural and necessary to desire a friendship where you are appreciated and attended to.

The easiest way to convince yourself of the necessity of being in a mutually supportive friendship is to spend time in one. After having a particularly discouraging interaction with a negative friend, immediately spend time with one who isn’t negative. Call another friend and make plans. A good way to determine the level of friendship is to tell the person that you are having a particularly difficult time and see how the person reacts. Does he show concern? Is he willing to put off finishing a project in order to spend time with you? Does he ask you to tell him about it? If you are able to meet, continue looking for these indicators of mutual concern.  Because you will have recently been in the company of your less concerned friend, the juxtaposition between the friends’ approaches should be evident. Repeat as many times as necessary with other friends in order to pummel your justifications into submission. Once you’ve accepted that there is something amiss in your friendship, you will likely still be hesitant to go all the way in facilitating its end. If you still believe you can change the person, or that he or she is just in a difficult place and will ultimately prove to be a true friend, feel free to continue the relationship for as long as you can. If and when you decide that this friend is likely not going to change or make concerted efforts to be in a two-sided relationship, come back and continue reading. 

If you are now ready to pave the way toward having positive, mutually supportive friendships in your life, it is time to make a plan for ridding yourself of this negative friend. There are many ways to do this. They will now be listed in order of ease and efficacy, with the easiest and most ineffective methods listed first, progressing to most effective and difficult. The easiest and least effective way to rid yourself of a bad friendship is to make excuses. Because most good friends have trouble lying, this usually works best for people who are legitimately busy and therefore have an easy justification for avoiding socialization with the friend. If you are trying to go the easy route but have too much free time to account for, filling your calendar can be an effective way to avoid the person. Because hobbies can be an excellent way to bring some positivity to your life, they are especially recommended to this purpose. Enrolling in an art class after work, learning another language, gardening, or joining a writing group are all excellent ways to fill your time. If you feel that such occupations are still too elective and could easily be blown off in your need to be a good friend, continuing education or volunteer work for a community organization are more socially justifiable. Though this excuse-making approach is the least energy-intensive, it can take some time to achieve the desired effects. Bad friends might put up with excuses for a while, but their need for your reassurance and self-affirmation may keep them from taking no for an answer. If this is the case, you will likely find it necessary to try another approach.

Bad friendships are built on dishonesty: the bad friend is dishonest in his or her support of and concern for the good friend; the good friend is dishonest about his or her feelings in order to avoid offending or hurting the bad friend. Oftentimes, sharing one’s honest opinions can help to facilitate the termination of a friendship. One caveat with this approach: bad friends are remarkably resistant to hearing and processing negative comments about themselves. They are likely to make excuses and provide justification for their behavior. Because bad friends are often very effective at manipulation, their response may appear to be sincere. This is the point when it is most important to remain firm in one’s resolve. Hopefully, the offending friend will get the point and be amenable to the end of the friendship. Occasionally, when the good friend shares his or her honest disappointments and concerns, the bad friend will realize the faulty nature of the relationship and seek to improve its equity. This is the best-case scenario and can lead to stronger friendships. If no solution is found in either of these ways, however, it is likely that a final step will need to be taken. 

Cutting off all communication with the bad friend is sometimes the only way to successfully remove oneself from a relationship. It is preferable to have a final communication whereby this decision is communicated firmly to the other person, whether it is in person or by phone, email, or letter. The good friend must state clearly his decision to discontinue communication in any form with the bad friend. It is not usually necessary to be hostile in one’s final communication with a former friend. In fact, sharing a positive memory or attractive quality can be a kind way to put an end to things. Generally, by the time a bad friend receives a final communication, reasons will have been frequently and sufficiently given by the good friend to justify this final action. As such, it is unlikely that the bad friend will pursue continued friendship, though he or she will occasionally respond with a final communication in kind, defending his or her behavior or motivation. But if one manages to refrain from responding to this, the friendship will be successfully dissolved.