Brave New World
I've been thinking lately about how differently I see things than I used to, how so much now seems liquid. In a month's time, I will know if I am staying or going. Either everything will change or nothing will, and I will be fine with it.
The other day, a friend and I were discussing how ten or fifteen years ago, so many things were absolute. In the time between, we realized that sometimes what you think was wrong is right when you shift your perspective. I remember a friend I had in my late teens. We were close for a couple of years, had some blowout fights, and eventually gave up trying to salvage our relationship. Toward the end, when we weren't speaking, I remember someone else telling me that friend had gotten involved with a married man. I was horrified, I thought it said so much about her character, her morals—all this stuff I believed should be without compromise. I believed her affair was proof that I'd made the right decision in cutting ties.
Recently another friend has ended up in a similar situation, and I find myself supporting the affair. I know the circumstances. But now I believe that people should try to be happy, to live good lives in which they're treated with respect. And in this new world, I think sometimes respecting yourself can involve what seems like disrespect for someone else.
For a while I've considered myself disillusioned—sad about what the world has become. But I realize now that I'm not. What I often am is not surprised. Not surprised when bombs go off and kill 40 people. Not surprised when I see a little girl walking down the sidewalk who throws her book bag up into the air with glee. When the bomb goes off: sad. When the girl throws her things: delighted. I have made room for possibility, for gorgeous and excruciating shades of gray. I am glad to be in my 30's and not be unaffected. Disaffected sometimes, but not unfeeling.
Cheating is not taking steps to make yourself happy. If you do things for other people, it should be for yourself too, because it makes you feel good, not just because it's what is "right." Cheating is living the status quo. For the last year or so, I had my hair longer than I like. I listened to people around me. They liked it long, and I liked the compliments, so I let it brush my shoulders. But I feel better with short hair, I feel like myself. That's something I have to trust.
